And Now, The News...

Poorly researched and reliant on conjecture, this is the news, coming at you in words you can read with your face.

10 Things you didn’t know about… Ann Widdicombe

In the first in a new series, we reveal ten things you never knew about your favourite celebrities. This week it’s voice of the common people, Ann Widdicombe.

1. Ann’s favourite animal is the duck billed platypus. “I just really enjoy the efficiency of their bodies. One opening for laying eggs and shitting? Marvellous.”

2. Ann can play an astonishing ZERO musical instruments.

3. Not originally intending on being a quiz show host, Ann started out as an MP!

4. Ann’s favourite band is the Kings of Leon, although she thinks it all went downhill when they shaved their beards and cut their hair.

5. A regular on Brick Lane, Ann can often be found browsing the racks at Rough Trade East, often spending hundreds at a time on obscure vinyl records.

6. A notorious liberal, Widdicombe is a keen green party supporter.

7. Upon her grandmother’s death, Ann inherited the country’s largest collection of marijuana paraphernalia.

8. Ann has starred in over 1500 films throughout her career, despite insisting “I’m no actress”.

9. Ann passed her driving test just last year, at the age of 65, and splashed out £400 on an old Mini Metro.

10. Ann is famously hard to move and is said to have “laughed for hours” after watching Bambi.

I Smoked a Joint and I Liked it!

All music ever recorded is to be banned as it has been revealed that every musician ever has had some involvement with drugs at some point in their lives.

In the wake of Louis Tomlinson and Zayn Malik from One Direction disgracing themselves by smoking cannabis, causing literally tens of 1D fans to burn tickets to their upcoming UK tour dates, it has come to light that everybody in the music industry has partaken in the use of illegal drugs.The president of The Beatles Society, George “It’s a coincidence, I swear!” Harrison, voiced his concerns in his monthly newsletter last night: “I had no idea that Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds was meant to be about using LSD! I guess it makes sense, though, given the lyrics are absolute gibberish. I feel dirty now, and don’t think I’ll be able to listen to any music ever again.”

Even classics like Land of Hope and Glory are said to be inspired by Elgar and Benson’s experiences of the British countryside whilst under the influence of magic mushrooms. Legendary Greensleeves composer, and erstwhile monarch, Henry VIII was also alleged to have been “off his tits” on various intoxicants at the time he wrote the inescapable ice cream jingle.

Music will be prohibited from Sunday 1st June, with anyone caught listening to or playing music immediately jailed without trial. Whistling will be overlooked in cases of bird call imitation only.

Reformation 2: Return of the Monasteries

In the latest manifestation of Prime Minister David Cameron’s Mental Breakdown™, the ever deteriorating mind of the Conservative leader has announced his intentions to put right a wrong made by Tudor monarch Henry VIII in the 16th Century.

In what Cameron has described as “continuing the great work of Mary Tudor, our Bloody Mary”, legislation may soon be passed in which Catholicism will soon be forced upon every member of the British Isles, with the threat of burnings at the stake a “distinct possibility”.”This country lost its core values when Henry VIII wanted that divorce from Catherine of Aragon. There was a brief period of sanity once more in the 1550s when Mary I restored the one true faith, but it was lost once more with the ascension of her, frankly mad, sister Elizabeth. I will bring back the great nation that once was, when things were right, under the feudal system of the medieval period. You know, when things were still good.”

The original monastic sites, destroyed during the period of Dissolution by the King in the 1530s, are to be faithfully restored by TV comic Gryff Rhys Jones and a team of people who actually know what they are doing. “Every second child and any more that may follow will be forced to become monks and nuns, come on you only need one kid!” David bawled in Parliament during Prime Minister Questions last week. “You’ll thank me when you see how low crime rates are!”

The bill, which will be put to the House of Lords next month, looks set to pass unanimously due to its septuagenarian inhabitants’ blood-lust for the “good old days”.

Amen.

"Scottish Friendly" or "Scottish FOE-ly"?

In the run up to September’s Scotch Referendum, the coalition government is encouraging the development and formation of “Scottish Friendly” companies as a means of keeping Scotland as a part of the United Kingdom.

In the interests of inclusivity, literally tens of existing companies have shown their enthusiasm in accepting the Scotch into the fold, with a couple more ready to join that list over the coming months. Deputy Prime Minister told us in an exclusive interview that there was “no better way to encourage the Scotch to vote ‘no’ than by getting a handful of English companies to allow them to use their services, albeit on a purely cosmetic level. They won’t actually be allowed to claim on their insurance policies, phone up the call centres or actually cross the border into the country.”

Alex Salmond, of the SNP, was outraged at the prospect, “Those big wigs down in that London think that they can just give the illusion of allowing us to join in, but don’t be fooled fellow Scotchers, this ‘inclusivity’ is actually worse than the current situation! Vote’YES!’” Or at least, that’s what our translator thinks he said, Salmond’s accent being particularly incomprehensible.

It’s estimated that by the end of August there will be approximately 14 companies with the “Scottish Friendly” seal of approval, a figure which the coalition hopes will majorly improve Anglo-Scotcher relations before September 18th.

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When my husband murdered my childhood dentist, I reliased I was married to a MURDERER!

In yet another explosively unbelievable story about death, dentists and sham marriages, we spoke to Jo Bates (not her real name*) about her experiences of being married to a cold blooded murderer.

It was almost ten years ago, in May 2004, when Jo Bates’ childhood dentist went missing. He’d gone to work as normal on that fateful Thursday morning and was never seen again. That was until his wedding ring turned up in Ms Bates’ pile of dirty washing a few weeks later. “I found a ring in amongst all my knickers and things, and I thought ‘that’s a bit funny’ but didn’t really ask really do anything about it. I just pocketed it and shoved my bras in on a cool wash, ‘cause they’re a bit old and delicate now.

"Then things started getting really weird. A finger here, a severed head there… I couldn’t quite put my finger on what was wrong. I recognised the face but I didn’t know why; it had been years since I’d had my teeth looked at." Jo found much murderous paraphernalia around the house over the coming months, and even accompanied her husband on several late night drives where she had to help "load mysteriously heavy bundles into the boot of the car."

It wasn’t until April 2008. four years later, when it finally clicked for Jo that she was married to a murderer, “I was just chatting with my husband and he went, ‘Oh you remember when I murdered your childhood dentist…’ It was then that I realised he had been the one who had murdered my childhood dentist. It made so much sense. It all added up! I was married to a MURDERER!”

Jo’s new appearance*

Jo’s husband was convincted of over 90 murders last year, but was not implicated herself as the judge had “never before witnessed such mystifying stupidity”.

* Ms Bates wished to remain anonymous, so we had her surgically transformed into the exact double of Tom Waits. (Although quite why, given the uniqueness of this case, the high profile TV trial it had, and the fact this article will be published solely in prison inmate newsletters, is baffling).

Another Blubbering Pillock Wins Reality Show*

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH Scabby menial worker BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH dilapidated provincial town BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH soulless mediocre performance BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH Overblown Live Final BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH unnecessarily emotional BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH 2014 BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH rigged public vote BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH panel of surgically enhanced judges BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH bookies’ favourite BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH meaningless Christmas number 1 BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH contrived controversy BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH pathetic and irritating host BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH dead or dying relatives BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH sensational BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH unbelievable BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH gobsmacked BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH other overused hyperbole BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH tune in again next year as this trash will keep happening year in year out forever whether we like it or not because idiots watch it BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.

*This article is available to other news providers who would rather not waste any more of their time

ANDY MURRAY: I’M ON FIRE

Temperatures have risen to such dizzying heights at the Australian Open on Thursday that Andy Murray caught fire, shocking tennis fans all over the world.

The Olympic Gold Medalist from Dunblaine, 26, noticed the flames tickling his ankles whilst playing the French No 25, Vincent Millot. Rabid Australian, Deano Barrington, was watching from the (now melted) stands and told ANTN of Murray’s stoic reaction to his own spontaneous combustion: “He just sort of carried on as the flames licked higher and higher. They started off in his shoes, and he didn’t seem to really notice. He looked down when he bounced the ball on the floor, you know like tennis players do, and sort of mumbled something to himself. He only went to get a drink when the fire reached the top of his legs.”

The Wimbledon Champion, who famously screamed with elated joy and delivered an impromptu and charismatic speech upon winning the tournament last summer said of the phenomenon, “I just thought ‘oh I am on fire’” and was heard remarking to his opponent, “it is warm” as his entire body was engulfed in flames.

Murray went on to win the match in a near perfect game of tennis, and was extinguished by the local authorities at around 5pm local time.

Come DinER with Me

Voiceover extraordinaire Dave Lamb is to provide his inimitable narration to a day in the life of Her Majesty the Queen.

After limited success announcing on 90s hit Gladiators, dryer-than-a-tonic-water, and sassier than a lunchtime TV chat show Lamb is famed for his deliciously sarcastic delivery on C4’s Come Dine With Me.

Equipped with a PA system mounted to a mobility scooter, Lamby will follow the Her Maj on her visit to a preschool in Hounslow, before accompanying her on a tour of a towel factory.

ANTN expect to hear classic lines uttered by Lamb, such as:

“Lets see what Liz is wearing today: Oh, how about that, exactly the same long coat and hat combination she has been wearing for the last 61 years. Always one to mix it up is our Queen.”

“What do you mean, ‘What do you do?’, Queenie? They’re children; all they do is eat Rice Crispies and pick scabs off their knees!”

A Day in The Life of Our Queen: A Dave Lamb Narration will not be televised, nor will it even be filmed. It seems this project is being carried out purely out of Lamb’s twisted fascination with commenting on other people’s existence.

BREAKING NEWS: Dimbleby’s SECOND tattoo

It was revealed in this morning’s Metro that political journalist, and part time air hostess, David Dimbleby got his first tattoo (a scorpion) at the ripe old age of 75 to prove that he “isn’t a wimp”.

Nikole Lowe, a former tattooist on ITV1’s London Ink, revealed that she had already inked a full leg piece on the Question Time host depicting Barack Obama’s initial botched inauguration after winning the US election back in 2008. Lowe, who was left baffled and “a little bit hungry” after reading the article on her way to her studio Good Times, “I wondered if he was a bit ashamed of what I’d done. I was really proud of it at the time, and even considered getting the same on my own leg. It’s weird that he got this to show he isn’t a wimp, I mean the tattoo I gave him was so big that it meant that I had to do a bit on his balls. He didn’t even flinch.”

(Picture BBCOne/ Twitter)

Dimbleby isn’t the first celebrity to get a tattoo after receiving their free bus pass, others of note include:

  • Gloria Hunniford, who famously had a tattoo of her own face inked onto her own face back in 2004 in a bid to combat aging.
  • Sir Patrick Moore, who was controversially given a full body tattoo of a Milky Way after his death earlier this year, as per his last will and testament.
  • Brian Blessed, who mystifyingly had a caricature of Jason Manford permanently etched upon his left kneecap.
  • And Cilla Black, who is rumoured to have her age tattooed in an unidentified fold somewhere about her person.

IN THE RED CORNER…

In what is the latest escalation in the public barney between comedy bigwigs David Mitchell and Charlie Higson, the two are scheduled to settle their differences at a wresting match sponsored by The Independent newspaper.

Higson, famed for playing European pop sensation Mikki Disco in the 90s, is particularly looking forward to settling the dispute, to which nobody really knows the cause. “I read a few things in the paper, saying that David Mitchel and I were in a full blown row over something or other. The articles seemed a bit sketchy: some saying I’d insulted his mum, some that I hated his beard, that sort of thing. The thing is, I thought he’d said this about me so it’s all a bit confusing. I mean someone must have said it, it was in the newspaper after all, so I think it’s best we settle this like gentlemen and wrestle for it.”

Mitchell, who shot to fame as the World Knitting Champion in 1997, is less enthusiastic about the match, saying that the fact neither of them can wrestle will make it “first and foremost, totally unsafe” and a “frankly bizarre way of settling a dispute that nobody knows anything about.”


The match, due to be aired live on Sky Sports pay-per-view on Sunday night, will be refereed by the loveable potter Johnny Vegas.