And Now, The News...

Poorly researched and reliant on conjecture, this is the news, coming at you in words you can read with your face.

When my husband murdered my childhood dentist, I reliased I was married to a MURDERER!

In yet another explosively unbelievable story about death, dentists and sham marriages, we spoke to Jo Bates (not her real name*) about her experiences of being married to a cold blooded murderer.

It was almost ten years ago, in May 2004, when Jo Bates’ childhood dentist went missing. He’d gone to work as normal on that fateful Thursday morning and was never seen again. That was until his wedding ring turned up in Ms Bates’ pile of dirty washing a few weeks later. “I found a ring in amongst all my knickers and things, and I thought ‘that’s a bit funny’ but didn’t really ask really do anything about it. I just pocketed it and shoved my bras in on a cool wash, ‘cause they’re a bit old and delicate now.

"Then things started getting really weird. A finger here, a severed head there… I couldn’t quite put my finger on what was wrong. I recognised the face but I didn’t know why; it had been years since I’d had my teeth looked at." Jo found much murderous paraphernalia around the house over the coming months, and even accompanied her husband on several late night drives where she had to help "load mysteriously heavy bundles into the boot of the car."

It wasn’t until April 2008. four years later, when it finally clicked for Jo that she was married to a murderer, “I was just chatting with my husband and he went, ‘Oh you remember when I murdered your childhood dentist…’ It was then that I realised he had been the one who had murdered my childhood dentist. It made so much sense. It all added up! I was married to a MURDERER!”

Jo’s new appearance*

Jo’s husband was convincted of over 90 murders last year, but was not implicated herself as the judge had “never before witnessed such mystifying stupidity”.

* Ms Bates wished to remain anonymous, so we had her surgically transformed into the exact double of Tom Waits. (Although quite why, given the uniqueness of this case, the high profile TV trial it had, and the fact this article will be published solely in prison inmate newsletters, is baffling).

Another Blubbering Pillock Wins Reality Show*

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH Scabby menial worker BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH dilapidated provincial town BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH soulless mediocre performance BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH Overblown Live Final BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH unnecessarily emotional BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH 2014 BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH rigged public vote BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH panel of surgically enhanced judges BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH bookies’ favourite BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH meaningless Christmas number 1 BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH contrived controversy BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH pathetic and irritating host BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH dead or dying relatives BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH sensational BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH unbelievable BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH gobsmacked BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH other overused hyperbole BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH tune in again next year as this trash will keep happening year in year out forever whether we like it or not because idiots watch it BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.

*This article is available to other news providers who would rather not waste any more of their time

ANDY MURRAY: I’M ON FIRE

Temperatures have risen to such dizzying heights at the Australian Open on Thursday that Andy Murray caught fire, shocking tennis fans all over the world.

The Olympic Gold Medalist from Dunblaine, 26, noticed the flames tickling his ankles whilst playing the French No 25, Vincent Millot. Rabid Australian, Deano Barrington, was watching from the (now melted) stands and told ANTN of Murray’s stoic reaction to his own spontaneous combustion: “He just sort of carried on as the flames licked higher and higher. They started off in his shoes, and he didn’t seem to really notice. He looked down when he bounced the ball on the floor, you know like tennis players do, and sort of mumbled something to himself. He only went to get a drink when the fire reached the top of his legs.”

The Wimbledon Champion, who famously screamed with elated joy and delivered an impromptu and charismatic speech upon winning the tournament last summer said of the phenomenon, “I just thought ‘oh I am on fire’” and was heard remarking to his opponent, “it is warm” as his entire body was engulfed in flames.

Murray went on to win the match in a near perfect game of tennis, and was extinguished by the local authorities at around 5pm local time.

Come DinER with Me

Voiceover extraordinaire Dave Lamb is to provide his inimitable narration to a day in the life of Her Majesty the Queen.

After limited success announcing on 90s hit Gladiators, dryer-than-a-tonic-water, and sassier than a lunchtime TV chat show Lamb is famed for his deliciously sarcastic delivery on C4’s Come Dine With Me.

Equipped with a PA system mounted to a mobility scooter, Lamby will follow the Her Maj on her visit to a preschool in Hounslow, before accompanying her on a tour of a towel factory.

ANTN expect to hear classic lines uttered by Lamb, such as:

“Lets see what Liz is wearing today: Oh, how about that, exactly the same long coat and hat combination she has been wearing for the last 61 years. Always one to mix it up is our Queen.”

“What do you mean, ‘What do you do?’, Queenie? They’re children; all they do is eat Rice Crispies and pick scabs off their knees!”

A Day in The Life of Our Queen: A Dave Lamb Narration will not be televised, nor will it even be filmed. It seems this project is being carried out purely out of Lamb’s twisted fascination with commenting on other people’s existence.

BREAKING NEWS: Dimbleby’s SECOND tattoo

It was revealed in this morning’s Metro that political journalist, and part time air hostess, David Dimbleby got his first tattoo (a scorpion) at the ripe old age of 75 to prove that he “isn’t a wimp”.

Nikole Lowe, a former tattooist on ITV1’s London Ink, revealed that she had already inked a full leg piece on the Question Time host depicting Barack Obama’s initial botched inauguration after winning the US election back in 2008. Lowe, who was left baffled and “a little bit hungry” after reading the article on her way to her studio Good Times, “I wondered if he was a bit ashamed of what I’d done. I was really proud of it at the time, and even considered getting the same on my own leg. It’s weird that he got this to show he isn’t a wimp, I mean the tattoo I gave him was so big that it meant that I had to do a bit on his balls. He didn’t even flinch.”

(Picture BBCOne/ Twitter)

Dimbleby isn’t the first celebrity to get a tattoo after receiving their free bus pass, others of note include:

  • Gloria Hunniford, who famously had a tattoo of her own face inked onto her own face back in 2004 in a bid to combat aging.
  • Sir Patrick Moore, who was controversially given a full body tattoo of a Milky Way after his death earlier this year, as per his last will and testament.
  • Brian Blessed, who mystifyingly had a caricature of Jason Manford permanently etched upon his left kneecap.
  • And Cilla Black, who is rumoured to have her age tattooed in an unidentified fold somewhere about her person.

IN THE RED CORNER…

In what is the latest escalation in the public barney between comedy bigwigs David Mitchell and Charlie Higson, the two are scheduled to settle their differences at a wresting match sponsored by The Independent newspaper.

Higson, famed for playing European pop sensation Mikki Disco in the 90s, is particularly looking forward to settling the dispute, to which nobody really knows the cause. “I read a few things in the paper, saying that David Mitchel and I were in a full blown row over something or other. The articles seemed a bit sketchy: some saying I’d insulted his mum, some that I hated his beard, that sort of thing. The thing is, I thought he’d said this about me so it’s all a bit confusing. I mean someone must have said it, it was in the newspaper after all, so I think it’s best we settle this like gentlemen and wrestle for it.”

Mitchell, who shot to fame as the World Knitting Champion in 1997, is less enthusiastic about the match, saying that the fact neither of them can wrestle will make it “first and foremost, totally unsafe” and a “frankly bizarre way of settling a dispute that nobody knows anything about.”


The match, due to be aired live on Sky Sports pay-per-view on Sunday night, will be refereed by the loveable potter Johnny Vegas.

Pope Forced to Resign in Twitter Webcast

Pope Benedict XVI’s formal resignation will be broadcast across the world in a humiliating Twitter webcast.


And Now the News is led to believe that the 266th Pope is resigning in disgrace because of his less-than-savvy Twittering skills, and as a final punishment will have to resign, and apologise, in front of the world in a webcast which will take over the entirety of the social networking website for an hour on February 28th. Cardinals are said to have got fed up with the Pontiff after a great many gaffes since 2005, including chucking a dove at a seagull, endorsing contraception a bit, and practicing Judaism in his spare time.

"The Pope’s inability to tweet is the latest in a long line of his failures. Honestly, I don’t know why we voted for him. We got him an iPod back in 2004 to try and make him a bit more tech savvy, as he was the clear favourite to win, and we knew it had to be done in this day and age. He threw it back in our faces. I guess we had the last laugh though, none of us are resigning, and we all tweet magnificently" said Cardinal Serafim Fernandes de Araújo, who wishes to remain nameless.

This news comes as a shock to the Catholic Church worldwide, after Pope John Paul II resigned in disgrace when he died in 2005.

Confusion At “New Weather”

A new form of weather rampaged through Sheffield last night, leaving literally tens of people wondering what on earth had happened.

The new variety of weather is simply known as “The New Weather”, as all weathers are prior to being officially named. (Snow was not officially named until the discovery of wind in 1426 meant that it was the newest weather). Residents of Orchard Lane, Sheffield were exposed to a freak bout of never before experienced weather conditions. Seasoned Northerner and man-who-dies Sean Bean was there, conveniently meaning that we had somebody interesting to interview; “I didn’t know what were going on. I were stood on Orchard Lane, filming my death scene for the new series of Balamory On Tour, and there were just no weather at all. The cast and crew knew straight away that summat were ‘appening, this was some crazy new weather that feels and looks like nothing. We all ran in’t chippy to shelter from it.”


Aging weather man, and liar, Michael Fish warned people to stay inside for the duration of new weather, which has still yet to dissipate, and the met office has put out an amber weather warning for the surrounding area. Luckily it has yet to spread past Nottingham.

Dame Sadna Evermiserable

Following the death of her husband, Brian Blessed, Dame Edna Everage has come to And Now the News to express her great sadness.

"I never knew just how sad it would be when Brian died", bawled the insane Australian transvestite."And to think, I’m always bloody sewing, 24-7, and I’m basically always drunk as well. It could have happened to me!" This new phenomenon, of being sad when loved ones die, is believed to have been named "grief" by top boffins at Stillbush University, NC. Around 40 people so far have been known to have suffered with "grief", and that list is ever growing with people dying, quite literally, every day.

The last known case of celebrity grief was when Adrian Chiles shaved his beard off for Sports Relief in 2010. Of course, this incident was written off as a classic case of Twattishness.

Brian Blessed Killed in Drunken Sewing Incident

Explorer, 80s Action Hero, Thespian, Pugilist and Loud Beard-Man Brian Blessed has been killed in an embroidery related misdemeanour.

“He had just polished off his 12th bottle of rum of the day, and he insisted in sewing on a button that had just popped off his shirt,” explained his bereaved wife, Dame Edna Everage, “and it all got out of hand so quickly. Before he knew it, he had stitched his beard to the armchair. In trying to unpick it, he sewed his trouser leg to the carpet, and as he flailed around helplessly, he caught the reel of cotton in the ceiling fan. The resulting force hurled the armchair out through the French doors, and ripped poor Brian clean in two.”

Alastair Stewart, newsreader and Special Needlework Consultant to the Criminal Investigation Department, explained the case: “It’s clear here that Mr Blessed thought he was capable of sewing in a severely inebriated state. We have all been there, thought about darning a sock or turning up those trouser legs after an evening out and a few glasses of wine. However, forensic examination of Mr Blessed’s work shows that it was at best inept, and later proved to be fatal. The message here is clear: sewing, embroidery or any kind of needlework is a dangerous activity, and must be taken seriously.”

RoSPA, the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents, have reported in 2012 there were 150,000 sewing related accidents resulting in death or serious injury. 80,000 accidents involved victims being impaled on knitting needles. The RoSPA spokesman added, “We recommend crochet. Only an idiot could hurt themselves with a crochet hook.”